New Voices

George Allen: A Sensitive Soul Man

2006-10-04T13:20:00.000-07:00

Still combating allegations of racism, Virginia senator George Allen's camp has just released the following photo, for what they said were “obvious reasons.” A campagin aide remarked “I really think that this should assuage the voters concerns and show that Mr. Allen truly is in touch with a broad range of ethnic and racial minorities."
"We have unconfirmed reports that the man standing next to him," the aide added hopefully "may also have been a minority."

The campaign also released the following image, which democratic critics claim is just a more closely cropped mirror image of the previous one.

But it seems that voters may not be swayed by this point; "Man, he's really enjoying that watermelon," said one voter when shown the photo, "I dunno [sic], maybe he's not such a bad guy after all."

Although no word has come in on the new poll numbers, the campaign has also tentatively begun the printing of the following buttons, which aides say should "seal the deal."

George Allen: The People's Jew

2006-09-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

Today in the news, Strategists for Senator George Allen (R-VA) announced that the campaign would be taking a new turn in light of the recent revelation that Senator Allen’s mother was actually raised Jewish. Senator Allen has said in a recent press conference that his mother’s religious upbringing had been kept secret from him until recently. In an interview today, Henrietta “Etty” Lumbroso Allen offered to shed some light on the situation

New Voices: So Ms. Allen, how does it feel to be thrust into the national spotlight after so many years of keeping your history a secret?

Etty Allen: Well, you know, I’ve been schvitzing like crazy, this whole ordeal has me noshing constantly, you know how it is, I get shpilkes, I nosh, I get more shpilkes. It’s a vicious cycle really.

NV: Naturally. Now, you’ve kept your Jewish heritage hidden from your son for a great deal of his life. Do you feel this has been a barrier between you and him?

EA: Nu? It pained me to keep secrets from my son. But what can you do, it wasn’t always such a nice world for my people you know? I just wanted my son to have a better life than his family before him.

NV: How do you feel about this upcoming election. This was supposed to be an easy win for your son, but the Democratic challenger James Webb has been steadily gaining in the polls.

EA: Oy, that Webb is such a putz. He doesn’t have one ounce of the chutzpah as my George does. When I think of how my boy has been schlepping for the people of this fine commonwealth, ugh, it just makes me plotz.

NV: A lot of people are saying that the fact that Senator Allen never knew about his heritage signifies a lack of natural curiosity on his part, what do you think about that?

EA: Feh, those schmegeges in the media are a bunch of dreck-pushing no-goodnik kibitzers. If they can’t find some celebrity who’s shtupping the maid then they go after the good people of this country. Besides, I went to a lot of efforts to make sure that my children didn’t find out too much about my roots, I hid all of my Bubbe’s old shmattes and everything. Still, I’ll admit, I was a bit surprised that George didn’t guess after all these years. It’s just that he’s seen plenty pictures of his grandfather, and oh you should have seen the schnoz on that man. I mean, he was a real great man, a real mench, I’m so glad my boy turned out like him. Plus we always used to go to Golden Dragon inn for Mu Shoo every Christmas… I thought that might tip him off…

NV: Well thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us Ms. Allen, good luck to your son this November.

EA: Oh, no problem, you should stay and schmooze for a while, I’ve got a got some Rugalach left over from the church bake-sale.

Etty Allen discusses her son's upcomming election

Allen is still recovering from an incident a few weeks ago in which he called S.R. Sidarth, a campaign worker for James Webb, by the name “Macaca.” Although the word is used as a racial slur in francophone African nations including Tunisia, where Allen’s mother grew up, Senator Allen has repeatedly denied that he has ever heard the word before, and stated that he made it up on the spot. In other news, The Senators from Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama have recently remarked that they too had made up the words “Spic," "Wop," and Chinky-dinky Chinese chink" (respectively), and had no prior knowledge that they may be considered offensive by some.

For his part, Allen has tried to "turn this whole Jew thing into an election plus" according to campaign aide, "When life gives you lemons, make lemon babka. The image we want to capture is of a man who understands diversity, a man as comfortable humming Hava Negilah as he is whistling Dixie. When people go to the polls this november, we want them thinking George Allen: The People's Jew."

"My name is Senator George Allen, and I in no way approve of this piece of schlock."

Burning Man: Vatican Edition! / How to Make a Pope Pinata.

2006-09-18T12:11:00.000-07:00

PLEASE NOTE: CLICKING ON PICTURES WILL INCREASE SIZE.

In response to the Pope’s controversial speech in which he discussed the historical role of violence in Islamic faith, a group of Muslims in India have built a straw mock-up of the pope, doused it in gasoline and lit it on fire in front of the All Saints Cathedral Church. The group “also threw stones in the church compound and damaged the lamp-post at its main gate.[story]”

Meanwhile in Kashmir, approximately 150 protesters marched through the state capital Muzaffarabad chanting “Death to Pope.” -- Not to be outdone, they also burned what one Muslim called “a much bigger and better effigy than the one in India.” To this an Indian Imam countered "Oh those Pakistanis just have effigy envy."

And the Mujadeen consultative council released a statement in which it said “We say to the servant of the cross (the Pope): wait for defeat. We say to infidels and tyrants: wait for what will afflict you. We continue our jihad…We will smash the cross,” and, it added, “conquer Rome”. [Story]

Al Queda also declared another Jihad, though experts say that with all the Jihads they’ve got on their plate they probably won’t get to this one till approximately “sometime in the mid 2250’s, C.E.”

In unrelated news, today Rabbi Yitzhak ben Shlomo gave a talk about the historical role of Irony in Jewish and Islamic faiths.

"You see the Jews have always had a sort of… sense of humor about these kinds of things... In Egypt, when we were persecuted, the Jews laughed and said that one day we will be free. In Germany when we were slaughtered like animals, we laughed and said that someday we will have a state of our own. In Israel, when we were attacked by forces conspiring to destroy us in our entirety, we laughed and said 'America has lots of bombs and we're friends." Chuckling nervously, he said “Whereas Muslims, on the other hand, have a tendency to effigize first and ask questions later; which actually, come to think of it, may be why there are about 5 million Jews and 50 million Muslims… I wonder if there’s any extra lighter fluid in the synagogue…”

Two Jews and a Goy

2006-09-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

The following three new artists are connected in a few interesting ways:

Their talent exceeds their age.
They clearly have something to say; you may not always know what it is, but it’s definitely there. Keep looking.
The plethora of references literary, political and biblical found in each album will send any inquisitive listener into a shame-hunt through Wikipedia.

Regina Spektor: Soviet Kitsch (2004), Begin to Hope (2006) -- Rising Jewish Star

"Spektor attempts something that's never been done before. It is, however, one of the rare albums where the talent practically sears the speakers. On Kitsch, Spektor combines cabaret intimacy, deliberately paced circular melodies, and an occasionally spooky emotional conviction as she works through tales of divorce, death, and downtown posers. Maybe only a few heard it, but fewer still walked away unconverted."*

http://reginaspektor.com

Try listening to: Samson, US

Baraka Noel: The Mixtape Philosophies of Mushroom Black (2006) -- First Album

"...it seems obvious that Baraka is an extremely literate man. He links vowels together like the best of Rakim or Nas’ first record but he does it with a vocabulary that will leave Hot 97 artists reaching for their Roget’s. … The music here is well above average but won’t revolutionize hip-hop’s sound. The lyrics however will change your perception of what intelligent hip-hop could be."**

http://www.barakanoel.com/

Try listening to: Religion (natch), New Year

(n.b., An added bonus to this artist is that he’s so hot-off-the-presses fresh that if you start listening to him now, you will actually be able to say that you liked him “You know, before he got all popular and sold out. His new record’s just way to produced, nah man you gotta listen to his old stuff” (note: in order to properly boost indie cred, this phrase must be said verbatim, regardless of truthfulness or quality of new music in comparison to old.))

Matisyahu: Live at Stubbs (2005), Youth (2006) -- Rising Jewish Star

"[Matisyahu] is making some of the best damn reggae music heard in the last several years. On his major-label studio debut, Youth, Matisyahu combines reggae-style vocals, singing, rapping, and beatboxing over his bands’ seamless blend of organic roots-reggae dub melodies, rock riffs, and hip-hop. And despite his devout Jewish beliefs, Matisyahu never comes off as too-preachy, instead focusing on universal life-lessons and the importance of self-awareness."**

http://www.matismusic.com

Try listening to: King Without A Crown, Time of Your Song

*Onion's A.V. Club Review
** OkPlayer Reviews

Holy Muslim PWNage, PopeMan!!

2006-09-16T00:25:00.000-07:00

The Pope was harshly criticized by Islamic scholars today in response for the language he used regarding Islam in a series of speeches given while traveling in Germany. The NY Times reported:

the pope began this speech at Regensburg University with what he conceded were “brusque” words about Islam: He quoted a 14th Century Byzantine emperor as saying, “Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.”

This prompted one Islamic expert to concede that the church “does indeed have the moral high ground on this and many other issues. But,” he added, “only because it’s built on top of the world’s biggest pile of dead Jews, Muslims and nonbelievers.”

Supporters for the pope were quick to rebut that of the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition and the Vatican’s relations with Nazi Germany, only one of them had occurred within this Pope’s lifetime.

The Pope also argued that violence was "incompatible with the nature of God and the nature of the soul," adding “Besides, you Noob Muslims got seriously spanked during the crusades, you were all like ‘but we invented zero!’ then ‘BOOM! HEADSHOT!’ ‘GTFO of Jerusalem!’ Pure Pwnage!!! j/k, j/k, Muhammed, OMG,OMG dude, rofllmao,!”

The Vatican could not be reached for comment.

Greg Mankiw's Blog: Improving College Admissions

2006-09-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

An interesting perspective on college admissions by a Harvard professor (and my response).

Greg Mankiw's Blog: Improving College Admissions

Once You Pop, You Can't Stop

2006-09-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

A recent article the NY Times has revealed that a new rock has been found in central America bearing what is thought to be writing from the ancient Olmec civilization. The Olmec, who lived in south-central Mexico were at their peak between 1200 BC – 400 BC. This is the first writing sample discovered from the Olmec civilization, and therefore not even the leading Central American anthropologists have been able to decode it yet. Luckily, I consider myself to be something of a lay-expert on this very issue (my mother got her PHD in linguistics), and with the help of my trusty assistant (my mother), I’ve formulated a preliminary translation for the rock’s inscription.

Dear Rock-blog and rock-blog readers/listeners/viewers, I must live in the most boring cave in this entire network. Nothing ever happens, except for mom and dad fighting, which happens constantly. They were arguing again last night; I didn’t catch all of it because I was just coming home from “Throw-the-most-rounded-rock-into-the-rock-pile-ball” practice when I heard them. Mom was all like “Sacrifice a human. Sacrifice a human?! That’s just your solution to everything, Philip, isn’t it? Oh, bad day at the rock quarry… guess I’ll sacrifice a human! Oh, hey, no one’s invented football yet, better sacrifice a human! Oh hey, my cave is a frigging disaster compared to Bob and Laura’s cave next door and my marriage is literally on the rocks… Well let me tell you, honey, I don’t think a human sacrifice is gonna solve this one, unless the human you sacrifice is yourself!”

She’s always yelling at him about his human sacrifice habit… I don’t know, I mean, all the other guys in the caverhood also sacrifice humans, so you know, ok…But even I gotta admit, sometimes it seems like dad just can’t have any fun unless he sacrifices a human first…The other day he tried to get me to sacrifice a human with him and I was all like “Dad, you know I want to, but if the tribal elders catch us they’ll have me for underage sacrificing and you for aiding a minor sacrifice, and then mom’s gonna be really pissed off...” I just don’t know I’m starting to think that maybe he needs help… Ugh. Anyway, I've gotta go, I think someone's coming; until next time.

- Rockwriter15

I’m awaiting a phone call from the anthropological authorities on this matter.

Power Chords to the People!! -- The New Israeli Image

2006-09-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

All anyone can talk about after the Lebanon Debacle of ’06 is that Hezbollah won the Public Relations war. I think it says something that we’ve gotten to a point in time where the media image of what happened is, at least in a lot of people's minds, much more important than what actually happened. I won’t labor on about the perfect storm of postmodernism, cultural relativism and mass media technology. Instead I want to talk about what it is that Hezbollah and their supporters are doing that

Israel

could learn from. I think it's clear to everyone that just like New Coke or Pepsi Jazz, it's time for Israel to do some rebranding. So here it goes, one P.R. "Lay-Expert's" recommendations for a new Israeli public Image.

First off, They’re boring. Back in the fifties Israel used to be all kick-ass and cool. David Ben-Gurion, Moshe Dayan, Golda Meir, these are Sexy names (though to be fair, Meir changed her name from the decidedly less sexy “Mabovitz” and Ben-Gurion was originally named Grün, and Moshe Dayan was originally named Fred Smefleman) What have we got now, Barak, Netanyahu, Olmert? These names suck. I think the first thing they should do is get better names. I mean who would you rather follow? Someone whose name might as well be Natan-Yahoo Serious or someone named… “Reginald Blaine!” I mean, just say it “Reginald Blaine!” it’s got kick, power. As for his nickname “Bibi,” from now on he’s nicknamed “Flash.” I can just see it now “Once again Flash Blaine, saves Israel.” As for Olmert and Barak… they have the same first name. That’s gotta go. Everyone knows you can’t have just the first name of someone who used to work at your job, it’s just tacky and leads to all kinds of awkward slipups, especially around the Christmas season (card writing and nog don’t mix). You either have completely different names (e.g., Ronald Regan and Bill Clinton) or, you have exactly the same name (e.g., George Bush and The President formerly known as George Bush). So here’s the deal, one of them has to change their name. Barak’s already served his term, so I say Olmert does it, that way we can save money on reprinting history books. Either he goes by “Ehud Barak the Second” (he can keep Olmert as his middle name, we’ll say they’re distant cousins) or he changes his name to… oh, let’s say “Patrick Ohoulihan” (Irish names are in this season, I read it somewhere).

Ok, names are taken care of… Now… the look. Moshe Dayan had an eye-patch. AN EYE-PATCH!! Do you know who else wears eye-patches? Pirates! And pirates are badass, everyone knows that. So… ok, let’s slap an eye patch on someone… Ok, howabout Sharon, he’s not using his right now anyway. Hell, let’s put two on him, he’ll be twice as badass -- as a pirate! I know it’s a tough time for him and his family and I send them my best, but I think that if he were conscious he would want to serve his country in any way possible, even if it means being the badassest pirate Jew this side of Turkmenastan.

For Olm—Barak II, I'm thinking... A mustache. It worked for Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I. and it’s time it came back as a statement of Manhood. In fact, let’s just slap Tom Selleck’s mustache on him! I don’t think Selleck has had much use for it for the past fifteen years or so anyway, and it’ll go great with his suit. Either that or Nietszsche’s, he had a pretty manly mustache as well… On second though, I don’t want any German facial hair in my Israeli government, it would just be… feh. Maybe we’ll just give him all of Selleck’s hair. Yeah… We’re looking at a whole new PM now, baby.

Ok ok, this is good, we’ve got new names, new looks, now what we need is an act. Ok, well here’s where we really need to learn from Hezbollah. They’ve had a media circus fawning on them at all times with the double act that they’ve been putting on. I don’t know if you know this, but Hassan Nassralah is actually a classically trained magician.

He studied under the guy who studied under the guy who killed Houdini, which helped make him the most popular magician in the Arab world. In fact, if Nassrallah hadn’t stumbled into politics, he’d probably still be doing his old “flying carpet” trick on the corner of Mossadeq and Damascus. As it is he’s been bringing out some of his old material, but with a new twist.
And as for Iranian President Mahmoud AhmadinStephenColbertejad, he used to be a classically trained vocalist. It’s true, he actually came to the US and tried out for the original run of “Bye Bye Birdie” and when Gower Champion said that he’s never heard someone who “sounded so much like a metzo, but acted so much like a soprano,” Ahmadinstolenjokeejad went back to Iran in tears and swore vengeance on America. Still, he uses his old skills to bring new people to his cause every day.

Finally, what the Israelis really need is something catchy… something modern… I’VE GOT IT! They hold an emergency parliamentary session where by special election they vote the Hassidic Reggae artist Matisyahu in as temporary Prime Minister. Then they contract Anti-Folk/Indie Rocker and Jew extraordinaire Regina Spektor to write a new National Anthem, only this one will be about a Jewish kid who walks down the street precociously and learns some serious life lessons from observing the world around him. Or a biblical figure or not or… something… (Oh I love her music, I just don’t really… “get” her quite yet…).

Well there you have it. That’s the new policy. Once we do that, maybe slap some tap shoes on Reginald Blaine, have him lead the entire Knesset in a rousing chorus of War’s classic “Why Can’t We Be Friends,” and I think you’ll find that Israel’s image problems will be just about solved. Man, I don't know what I'm doing in this field, I should be in PR.

The Jewish Food Pyramid

2006-08-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

Shvitzin' in the Kitchen with Hutton Gibson

By Mel Gibson's Dad

Hutton Gibson here again. After my last report, I was shocked to receive several letters which were critical of my evaluation of the Spanish Jellyfish crisis of '06. Even more to my dismay, some of these people claimed that I had been unfair towards the Jewish people. Well that is just hog wash I say, hog wash. But just to quell these whiners, today I wanted to share with you a few of my favorite classic Judaic cooking recipes.

First, I want to clear the air: A lot of fuss has been made about Jews drinking the blood of
Christian children, but let me just be the first to say, that's just plain not true. I mean, I never let little Mel close enough to any real life Jews to check (only the practice dummy we keep in the basement), but regardless, everyone knows that a Jew's delicate palate would be burned by the purity of a good christian choir boy, I mean they can't even go in the sun without turning to dust (editor's note: Mr. Gibson sometimes confuses Jews with vampires).

Now everyone knows that Jews love macaroons, but what a lot of people don't know is that the Jewish food pyramid consists of several less than conventional delicasies.

I don't want to get into the intricate history of Schmaltz just here; what I would like to discuss is the Jewish penchant for consuming classic cultural icons. Now I'm the first to say that exposure to too many cartoon characters and toys will just turn a good child rotten. A boy's best and only true companion should begin in the beginning and end at the end of days. You know what they say, one good book deserves another. I'm talking about the bible, you damn fool. But still, I found I was rather chilled when I saw these photos, which my boy Mel sent me from his recent Safari into the Jewish Jungle (editors note: Mr. Gibson uses the phrase "Jewish Jungle" to refer to New York City. The views expressed by Mr. Gibson are not representative of the Goldstein and Faber Publishing House). I remeber when I took Mel on his first safari. It was all fun and games till he got into the damn Dingo tranquilizers... Eh, what was I saying? Oh yeah, look at the pictures!

No amount of disguises would help this Mr. Potatohead

The Pilsbury Doughboy has a rude homecomming

Unfortunately Nemo found more than he bargained for

A balanced diet -- a little vegetables, a little mermaid and a little baby.

Anyway, I hope that clears the air.

Next time on Hutton Gibson's Wild World of Jewish Conspiracies: Just who did steal the cookies from the cookie jar? And why did they leave behind the bacon and lobster biscotti?

Salam-i

2006-08-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

The Associated Press reported today that the comic actor Jackie Mason, who appeared in Caddyshack II, The Jerk, and History of the World Part I has filed a 2 million Dollar Law suit against Jews for Jesus for the use of his image and “shtick”in a recent recruiting pamphlet. Mason denied the suggestions made by the pamphlet, announcing he was "as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami."

Hutton's Tale

2006-08-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

Spain

Expels Jews: 600 years later, Jews Strike Back
By Mel Gibson’s dad

On the week of April 29^th, 1492, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain expelled approximately 800,000 Jews from Spain’s borders. Today, on August 9^th 2006, Spain is being overcome by a deluge of the deadly amorphous sea creature known only as the jellyfish. Jellyfish and Jew both start with the letter J. Starting to see a pattern?

I thought so.

Below you will see conclusive proof that I have collected showing this, the first of many steps by the Jews to reclaim world dominance the likes of which no one has seen since I had that dream about the Jews trying to reclaim world dominance!!!

Unfortunately, as any good pre-vatican II’er knows, Jelly Fish are Jesus’ one weakness. That is why it falls to us, the humble people of earth to stop this plan before it starts.

Now I know that some people are going to say that I "doctored" these photos with Microsoft Paint, and that I "did a pretty poor job of it too." But honestly, who you gonna believe? Them or the father of the star of Lethal weapons 1-3? (Chris Rock stole the show in 4, sorry son.)

Also, Stephen Colbert may be somehow involved I think. I’m not sure how. More on this later...

A man who doesn't pronounce all the letters in his name is never to be trusted.

-- Ancient Austrailian Proverb

New Revelations in Gibson Frame-up

2006-08-09T08:13:00.001-07:00

MEL GIBSON: Framed!
Everybody knows that Mel Gibson has been accused of anti-Semitic remarks, but today in a remarkable turnaround, Mr. Gibson has revealed that he was in fact a mere patsy, the victim of some larger, darker more insidious plan.

“I was just having a fun night out on the town. Sure, I’d had a drink or two, but nothing an Aussie like me can’t handle. But someone put something in my drink, and everything after that goes black. I woke up the next day, confused and arrested. This has been a tough time for me.”

The actor, who is perhaps most widely known for his portrayal of the wisecracking aviating rooster Rocky in 2000’s Chicken Run, has been working with the Malibu sheriff’s department to uncover the identity of his assailant.

“I don’t remember much, I was at the nightclub [Moonshadows], and I saw someone at the punch bowl. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but when I think back to it there was something suspicious about him. I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly, but I got a decent look. I still wake up some nights with his image in my mind...”

Mr. Gibson has worked with LAPD artists to generate what he says is an accurate composite sketch of the man he saw at the nightclub. The image, which was released today by the Sheriff’s department, was accompanied by a warning earlier this afternoon is below. If you see someone matching the description, please contact the sheriff’s dept. Do not attempt to confront him, the suspect is considered armed and pious. “We’re worried,” said a spokesman for the department. “We do not believe this person was working alone. If this could happen to someone as visible and popular as Mr. Gibson, then the general populace is almost certainly at risk."

LAPD composite sketch of suspect in Gibson frame-up

“Sure, he looked like he was just dancing and drinking and having a night out on the town like everyone else,” said Mr. Gibson, “but I know better. I don’t know who did this awful thing to me, but by god [Jesus], I won’t stop until we find them and rectify this injustice.”

Flamingoldstein?

2006-08-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

Question of the Day

Pink Flamingos: Do any Jews own them?

Discuss.

Silence of The Prez: The New Diplomacy

2006-08-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

US and France Come to Agreement on Israel-Hezbollah Security Council Resolution:
Agree to Disagree

Presidents Club: Bush and Chirac teach the world a lesson about diplomacy

On Saturday, the U.S. announced that an agreement has been reached on a diplomatic plan for dealing with the Israel-Hezbollah war; to not talk about it in the future. The plan, which is being called a “verbal cease-fire,” covers not only discussion of the Israel-Arab issue, but goes so far as to put a moratorium on all international issues which are “sensitive” “touchy” or ‘could be described as a ‘sticky wicket.’” News analysts say that this new decision reflects a long history of ire between the U.S. and France when it comes to a range of issues, especially with regards to Israeli-Arab relations. This new strategy, advocates claim, will yield a much more congenial atmosphere between the two nations.

“Let’s face it,” said White House press secretary Tony Snow, “The U.S. and France don’t really see ‘eye to eye’ when it comes to the whole ‘Israel thing.’ For years now there have been disputes and fighting between our two countries, some of which have gotten so out of hand that a polite throat-clearing was required to change the subject. Vocal Pro-France-Anti-Israel French and liberal speakers have debated Anti-France-Pro-Israel American and Jewish speakers for years now, and this violent, ideological, verbal clash has to end. All we’re doing now is recognizing it publicly and moving on.” He added “we really think this will result in smoother dinner conversation.”

Critics of the agreement criticize the plan for “not being a solution,” and complain that it “actually ignores the problem entirely.” Senate minority leader Harry “Hairy” Reid said “This is yet another example of this Administration’s complete disregard for reality,” to which the esteemed Dr. Bill “HIV is spread by tears” Frist, responded “La la la, I can’t hear you,” and then called a vote on the floor to have the secret service lock Senator Reid in the capital broom closet with Hillary Clinton. The measure passed, with 5 democrats crossing party lines, most notably Joseph Lieberman, who was also quoted as saying “These [expletive deleted] democrats have got to be stopped.”

In France as well, critics are complaining that the French government is “just running away from the issue like a bunch of sissies.” To which supporters of the plan responded “No duh,” adding “We’re French.” Jacques Chirac’s office couldn’t be reached for comment.

A source inside the White House who declined to be identified said “Look, the American people know Bush isn’t all about ‘negotiation’ or ‘international crises,’ or ‘politics’ (air quotes his); that’s not why they hired him in the first place. They elected him because he’s likable. He’s the kind of president you could really sit down and have a frosty mug of beer with, or if you’re the President of France, a frosty mug of Chablis ’92.” He added “President Bush really feels like there’s been too much international strife during his presidency. He’s ready to move beyond that, loosen his tie and his belt, sit down and talk about something else. It’s called diplomacy, look it up; it’s what Presidents do.”

In a public press conference President Bush announced the plan saying “For a while now the people of France and the United States have been unable to talk about the people of Israel and Palestine without getting all huffy and worked up over it. This conflict has gone on too long. It’s time we put an end to all this fighting. put the past behind us, treat each other like human beings and just get along. The time has come to deal with this problem, by not talking about it ever again.” he said, adding, “heh heh.”

Monumental Anxiety

2006-07-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

If you’ve been reading your daily news recently you may have come across an article in the New York Times* about Memphis, Tennessee’s newest resident. She’s of French descent, she’s seventy-two feet tall, and she sure does love Jesus. Of course I’m talking about The Statue of Liberation through Christ, a replica of the Statue of Liberty Commissioned by Apostle Alton R. Williams, the pastor of the World Overcomers Outreach Ministries Church (or WOOM-C as I like to call it) , a “Mega-church” whose features include “a school, a bowling alley, a roller rink, a bookstore and, he said, 12,000 members.” What’s refreshing isn’t just that he’s spreading the word of God, but that he’s doing it with a disco-ball, rollerblades and glow-bowling.

Of course, the statue is generating no small amount of controversy, as reported by the World-renowned paper the Jamaica Observer**

Evelyn Douglass, 11, said she takes the long way home to avoid seeing the "big green thing".
"The Statue of Liberty is a symbol of the United States of America. The cross represents a specific religion," Douglass said. "It's not right that they are mixing the two. That church is trashing the meaning of America."

Sure everyone throws a hissy fit just because they took a monument which is dedicated to the basic freedoms our country provides and made it a spokesperson for their personal savior, and sure, instead of the classic lines “give me your poor…” from Emma Lazarus’ “The New Colossus,” they installed roman numerals enumerating the Ten Commandments, and sure they added a giant golden cross and a tear in response to “legalized abortion , a lack of prayer in schools and the country's ‘promotion of expressions of New Age, Wicca, secularism and humanism’” among other things, and sure Alton Williams thinks that Hurricane Katrina was retribution from God for New Orleans’ embrace of sin -- everyone knows, the worst sinners of all are the poor. Jesus said that I think.

But what little Evelyn and most people don't know is that this just one more step in a long history of religiously-themed monument modification.

Take the following classic monument revisions which puit this recent tribute into context.

The Dome of The Claus

The Leaning Tower of Buddha

The Great Sphinxter of Giza

The Lego Memorial (of Moses)

And of course, who could forget the inimitable:

Jesusmobile!

So as you can see, he's operating within a rich historical tradition. I mean, anyone can get up in front of a bunch of hung over parishioners and drone on about "loving your fellow man" for hours on end. But when this man talks about the power of God, you can actually see what he means, or you will be able to soon, thanks to the holographic Jesus machine he’s rumored to be working on now that this project is done. The best part is that soon you too can be a part of the movement, by visiting the online WOOM-C store where you will soon be able to purchase Statue of Liberation Through Christ Merchandise!!*** It was jesus who said that "to give is human, but to merchandise is divine," right? Of course, a store is probably a good idea considering the statue came in at a whopping grand total of $260,000 (euro 208,000), but the Apostle Williams believes that the tourism generated by the statue will more than make up for the cost, and I'm sure he'll put the revenue to good use. I think we can all see that this is a man who truly understands the meaning of the word charity.

*http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/05/us/05liberty.html?th&emc=th
**http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/news/html/20060701T180000-0500_108179
_OBS_MEMPHIS_CHURCH_REPLACES_LADY_LIBERTY_S_TORCH_WITH
_CROSS_.asp
***It's true, but I'm not providing the link.
Also reporting on it from the blogosphere: http://queernotes.blogspot.com/2006/07/world-overcomers-denigrate-statue-
of.html

Color me thoughtful

2006-04-11T08:12:00.001-07:00

Thought for the day (because after all, who needs more than one?):

"All we ever truly see is light;" color is just the uniquely visual aspect of our experience of a specific microstructure. That is, just as bats experience shapes and sizes as sound, we experience the light that hits a particular microstructure of an object as color. We could experience it in different ways; take for instance, touching a white and a black cotton shirt, both of which have been out in the sun. The black one will be hotter. We normally chalk this up to the color, but that's not entirely accurate. What would seem to be more accurate would be to say that the same microstructure which causes us to see the color of the black T-shirt as opposed to that of the white T-shirt is also a more heat absorbant microstructure.

The implications for Judaism: Don't feel so so bad about all the ridiculously colored Kipahs you've worn over the years. You don't have terrible taste in color schemes, you just have terrible taste in microstructures. The same goes for married orthodox women and fake hair.

God is Like, Totally Tubular

2006-03-01T06:18:00.000-08:00

So today in my philosophy class we’re discussing the problem of evil. Some people may have heard this before but it basically goes “if God is omniscient, omnipotent and all loving, then why does life suck,” and as I pointed out last week, it’s pretty much all Jews thought about for a good period there after being slaves in Egypt but before the plague hit.

But what I’m more concerned about is the related yet substantially different “Problem of Awesome.” The question there being: If God loves all Hir (note the non-gendered pronoun, yeah that’s right – I’m sensitive) children, then why are some people and things soooo much more awesome then others.

Consider the following list, and when you’re done just try and tell me that your faith wasn’t shaken just a little bit by the horrors we’ve knowingly unleashed upon our own civilian populations.

*Awesome (A.)*	*Not Awesome (N.A.)*
Arnold Schwarzenegger the actor	Arnold Schwarzenegger the Gubernator
The War in Iraq pt. 1	Return of The War in Iraq (though this is explained by appeal to the almost universal rule of sequels suckage)
Science	Scientology
Scientists	Tom Cruise
Leather jackets	Leather vests
Horses	Donkeys
Michael Jackson 20 years ago	Touching little boys.
Jay Leno Telling a Michael Jackson Joke in 1993	Every Michael Jackson joke told since (including the one above)
Spider Man	Josh Rosenblatt (he’s this guy in my econ class. Total drag)
Oprah	Oprah
Wearing clean clothes	Doing laundry
Jon Stewart John Coltrane Johnny Cash	James Van Der Beek Jamie Lynn Spears Fredric Jameson
Aristotle, Nietzsche, Kant, Hume	Plato, St. Anselm, Freud, Van Frassen
America the Book	America the foreign policy
Rock	Paper and/or Scissors
Fraggle Rock	Crack rock
Star Trek: The Next Generation	Star Trek: The One With The Guy From Quantum Leap
Sarah Silverman in “The Aristocrats”	Sarah Silverman in Jimmy Kimmel’s bed (mmmm, cover of Heeb Magazine #9…).
Arrested Development	The bastards at Fox that cancelled Arrested Development
Mad Max	Mel Gibson
The effects of Michel Foucault’s writings on modern culture and philosophy	Reading any of them
Downloading mp3’s	Getting sued by the RIAA
Free porn on the internet	Spam about free porn on the internet
My orgasm	Your orgasm, you dirty, dirty bastard.
Free will	Free Willy
The Presidency of George Bush Senior in comparison to that of his son	How immensely depressing that statement was
Layer Cake: The movie	Fruit Cake: The delightful holiday treat
Pixar (until they were bought by Disney)	Disney (until they bought Pixar)
Watergate	Blowjob-gate
“Mr. Show” and ‘Kids in the Hall”	“SNL” and “Mad TV”
Phil Hartman in “News Radio”	Phil Hartman in a burial plot
Hiroshima (totally sweet)	Nagasaki (overkill)
Being a neoconservative in the years 2000-2006 (for you, not the world)	Being a classical conservative in the years 2000-2006
Getting elected in the years 2000-2006	Being a democrat in the years 2000-2006
Strong Bad	Everyone you know doing their impression of Strong Bad
Playing doctor when you’re 4	Playing doctor when you’re 40
Samurai, knights, Ninjas and Robots	“The Last Samurai,” “Black Knight,” “Three Ninjas,” and “I, Robot”
The Matrix #1	*Nothing.* There were no other Matrices!

Lastly, consider the following:

I know, I know, it's hard for me to understand why God would inflict such non-awesomeness on his people too, but I guess that's one of the mysteries of life. But worry not dear friend; if your faith was challenged too much by what you've just witnessed, consider the following testaments:

All better!

The True Meaning of Wonderbread

2006-02-23T10:50:00.000-08:00

So as of February Fifth my somewhat illustrious liberal arts school commenced with its spring semester. I know it’s late, but as everyone knows, the standard equation applies

Amount of money school costs = (Amount of time actually spent in school) ÷ K
Where K is somenumber that makes this equation make sense.

On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I have Economic Development, Medieval Jewish Thought, Topics in Applied Ethics, Jazz Aural Skills and Capoeira.

Unfortunately Economic Development is a 200 level class and I, not having taken the corollary 100 level class, am woefully under-prepared to take it. Sometimes when I’m in class I like to pretend that my professor is an advanced life form who has landed on ancient earth and is trying to teach a caveman to make a sandwich. It’s like, I understand what tuna is, but what’s this about mayo and celery? Paprika won’t be invented for like 1,000 years at least, and I have no idea what this whole “sliced bread” thing is about, but it sounds like it’s going to be big….Grunt.

Medieval Jewish Thought is interesting, because it seems like Jews have been struggling with the same things for the last thousand years.

A Jew in 1006 CE:

“If God is so great and we are his chosen people, why is my life so full of troubles. Why must I live in constant persecution under cross or crescent? Why are we being forced to leave our home and where will we go to from here.”

A Jew (named Jeff) in 2006, CE:

“If God is so great and we are his chosen people, then why hasn’t Adam Sandler released a new version of the Hannukah song in over seven years? Why would god have let “8 crazy nights” happen at all, and how the hell did Madonna make it into the club? Sort of.”

Faith is tricky.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I only have one class, Modern Philosophy, where I use philosophy proofs to be sassy.

I was going to paste the proof in here, but when I put it before test audiences (mom), it was deemed “too philosophicalish.”

Anway, the thrust of it is that I used Saint Anselm’s Ontological Argument for the existence of God to prove that a god-like sandwich (or sandwich with God-like powers, depending on your exegetical grounding) exists.

I then used Descartes’ argument that a mind is not the same as a body to show that I am not a human. Also, that I am not an outboard motor (thank goodness).

Now all of this goes to show two things:

1) That class is before lunch.

2) Faith is tricky.

Questions and Axes

2006-02-06T21:39:00.000-08:00

Today I'd like to offer you a brief questions to consider while avoiding work -- one which I think sort of captures the spirit of the so-called American "culture war:"

Now that you've got your very own TiVo and plasma LCD DDT PCP Big-screen TV, did you watch the superbowl and skip the commercials, or watch the commercials and skip the superbowl?

And now, in honor of President Bush’s recent State of the Union speech, I’d like to share something with you that even the big networks haven’t yet seen. You’ve probably all heard of the “Axis of Evil.” Composed of Iraq, Iran, and North Korea, the term was introduced by President Bush’s in his 2002 State of the Union speech. By creating a conglomeration of three states which we don’t like, President Bush hoped to explain international conflict in terms so easy that even he could understand it!

But what a lot of people don’t know is that the Axis of Evil was only the first of a whole series of Axes which were auditioned and selected by a test audience. Lucky for you guys, I’ve come into possession of the recently declassified documents, and here on the New Voices blog, I’ll be revealing them to the public for the first time.

Coming straight from The Secret Files of Karl Rove, I give you:

Failed Axisissies (Bush for "Axes")

I also want to put in a plug for:

http://www.globalpov.com/

It's just a blog by a good Jewish boy who's done right by his family. Also, he was the CTO of a little company called Network Solutions for a while... They kinda ran this thing called "the In-ter-net." I really think it's gonna be big. The site puts itself forward as a means to "explore socially significant tech issues in more detail by leveraging diverse points of view in a bias-free environment," and based on that, it's no surprise that he has a "B.S." in computer science...

Anyway, it's a good read, so check it out.

Jew. Jew Bond.

2006-02-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

The original text of this entry no longer makes any sense. But I kind of like the picture, so it's staying put... for now.

Art is dead. Long live Art.

2006-01-21T16:05:00.001-08:00

Recently I've had a lot of people ask me: You know [Shlomocles], I do so love when you write your funny words for me on the magic TV-phone-box, but where do you come up with your wacky picture ideas? Well I'm glad you asked me that [insert name here]. Below you'll see the rigorous testing grounds for blog pictures.

First, under the influence an extremely delicate combination of speed and rufies, I generate a concept.

Then, I "borrow" a picture from the internet.
Various versions are tested for their humor quotient.

The Pretentious One:

The Philosophical One:

The Obscure Reference one:

The Super One:

Finally, I print them out, put them all in a giant bucket, fill it with a combination of wood glue and human saliva and throw it against my wall. The one that stays up the longest is the winner.

In Good Taste a.k.a. Meat thy Neighbors

2006-01-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

As I sat in my bedroom, mesmerized by the soft glowing polygonal dance of my newest addicti—I mean videogame, I wondered if I should save before continuing on to the next stage. The answer, it turns out, is that I’m an idiot. For not two minutes after my momentary bout of precaution, the power in my house flickered, and was whisked away like a fart in the wind.

Upstairs the sound of my mother’s profanity indicated that this was no mere blown fuse, and as I reached the top of the stairs, a reasonably sized explosion-type noise followed by a reasonably sized explosion-type puff of smoke emanated from a house down the street. Now I of course wanted to investigate, but my mother -- who I’m fairly certain has seen an episode of “24” -- was worried that the explosion might be exactly what the terrorists wanted me to do. Fortunately I’ve stopped listening to my mother ever since she bought me a long-sleeved jean shirt (I love you mom).

When I went to see what had happened I found an impromptu neighborhood watch meeting had been called -- the first such meeting since the stickers were put in all of our windows and promptly forgotten, which I imagine happened sometime after our neighborhood was built and before people learned of the modern wonders of the telegraph -- and dumbfounded gawking was the first item on the agenda. Standing there watching my neighbors recount in detail, and then re-recount in more detail each moment leading up to the dramatic discovery of a tree in their road, I realized that for some this would be the high point of their month, and a little part of me died. It became clear that to the participants involved this was the scene in the murder mystery when everyone hears the gunshot and runs into the foyer (and by that I mean fwä'yā' or possibly foi'ā', but certainly not foi'ər) to discover the victim (in this case our power transformer), and as the evidence piled up concordance was reached: in fact a tree had fallen down. To an outsider watching us gather, however, I imagine it would have appeared more like the scene in which the meteorite lands on the farm and all the townsfolk come outside, scratch their Osh-Kosh-Bgosh clad bums and say “yup;” all right before the aliens walk out and zap them all.

Now I live in a “Cul-de-sac”, which is French for “poor design concept,” and unfortunately, this means that as long as that tree blocked the road, we were effectively cut off from civilization. And as we stood there, surveying the damage wreaked not only upon the matter of our streets, but upon the mettle of our very lives, I’d like to think we all knew that if we were going to make it through this together, one eventuality was certain: we would have to feast upon the bodies of our fallen comrades.

The pregnant woman would have to go first. She’s young, but we don’t have a doctor on the block, so chances are the birth might yield the same results. Plus it just wouldn’t be right to bring a child into such a hopeless situation.

Next would be her post-abortable daughter (she was about three). It’s a horrible thing to be orphaned, I mean no one wants to grow up without her parents, and I think we can all agree that it would be better to save her from having to experience any future tragedies.

The older neighbors after that, they’ve already had a full life, and besides, arthritis has already done most of the tenderizing for us.

I’d only nibble on sickies, uggos and fatties, because after all, you are what you eat, and after that, it’s your basic mop up operation, anyone who can’t run, jump or swim fast enough to get away from me (triathletes get a lucky break). And before you say anything, I know what you’re thinking: Of course I wouldn’t cannibalize my own mother, I’m not heartless! God!

My orthodox cousin once told me that a live cat was probably the most unkosher food you could eat. He was 10 at the time, but he’s studying to be a rabbi now, so I’m holding him to it. But you’ll notice he didn’t say anything about humans…

As it turned out, the city sent a truck by and they cleared the offending tree and had the power back on by lunch, and thank goodness everyone was ok. Unfortunately in a fit of panic I’d already eaten my neighbor’s hamster, but I mean, a guy’s gotta snack.

Blobbyists Inc.

2006-01-12T17:28:00.000-08:00

In other news: Jack Abramoff seriously needs to cut this 1930’s gangster outfit crap out. And in general the whole “conniving, thieving, manipulating, money grubbing” thing, he could cut that out as well. Not to remind people of something they’d rather not think about, but there was a time when Jewish people got a shitty rap for being conniving thieving, manipulating things, and I’m not saying that one person is in any way a representation of his people, but it would still concern me if Abramoff started drinking the blood of Christian children too. For a couple of reasons I guess.

Holey Sheet!

2006-01-12T16:46:00.000-08:00

Today I want to talk about myths. And sex. Now there are plenty of nice happy historical myths about sex, like the one where Zeus turned his lady love into a cow to hide her from his wife, or the one where there’s this woman, and she’s just really hot and then a bunch of people fight over her for ten years, or that one where the woman blames her unwanted pregnancy on go--oh wait, that one’s just a story my mom tells every Thanksgiving, never mind. Anyway, I don’t really recall them all but you get the idea, good family stories. But I’m talking more about contemporary sexual myths. To give you an idea, let’s play a game called “which one is true?” I’ll list some common myths, half of which are true, half false, and you tell me if you know which is which:

1. Is it true that

Men think about sex every seven seconds.

Or that

The drug clomipramine has been known to cause orgasms in yawning patients.

2. Is it true that

A Woman sought medical help to remove a deer tongue she had used for masturbatory purposes.

Or that

One of the castle spires on the cover of Disney's The Little Mermaid home video was deliberately drawn as a phallus by a disgruntled artist. Not only that, but the minister officiating at Ursula's wedding ceremony in The Little Mermaid had a n erection.

3. Is it true that

A man seeking sexual pleasure caught his penis in a swimming pool suction fitting.

Or that

A Man stapled his scrotum back together after slicing it open while masturbating with shop machinery.

Actually both of those are true. Sorry guys, it turns out we suck.

4. Lastly, is it true that

Over 50% of women over 30 masturbate.

Or that

Orthodox Jews have marital relations through a hole in a sheet.

To find out the answer, just click on the associated link

Grading:

If you got 0 right who gives a crap
If you got 1-2 right who gives a crap
If you got 3-4 right who gives a crap

…
I’m not really that much into quizzes.

Anyway, if you said that Orthodox Jews have marital relations through a hole in a sheet then you’re not alone. But you are an idiot. In fact, even Larry David bought into the myth in a now classic episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (n.b., Classic here denotes that my friend Jeff said it was totally awesome). Anecdotally, some people think that the sheet myth came from people who saw talits hanging out to dry after being cleaned.

I also recently received an e-mail from a friend of mine enraged by a story that that Jesus would soon be depicted as homosexual in a new movie. Now, aside from the stern talking to I wanted to give my friend for his views on both sexuality and censorship, I replied to him and everyone he had sent the message to verbally spanking him for passing it along. (Check out more about this common myth here and here).

Point being: Please check this kind of shit out before blindly passing it along. www.snopes.com is to my knowledge the best place to go for rumor verification, and a few seconds could save you and your friends a lot of time, fear, and anger. More importantly, it saves me from having to think you’re an idiot.

Some other debunked sexual myths that you might fancy:

Pornography leads to violence against women.
It takes women longer to orgasm than men.
You can't get STDs or STIs from giving or receiving oral sex.
Men can’t be the victims of sexual abuse
Having good sex comes naturally.
If a girl has sex during her period, there is no chance of pregnancy.
The size of a man's nose, hands, or feet is a reliable indicator of the size of his penis.
Also fun: Who’s doing it and how often
And a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) about Jewish Society and Culture

Note: The writer of this blog is not a licensed sexologist, but he considers himself to be an unrecognized expert in the field. Mostly because he's an egotistical bastard. Also: his mother thinks he is special (not related in anyway, but he just thought you should know).

Man, and I didn't even get to make a "layman" pun. Bummer.

Goyim and Guavas and Goldeneye, oh my.

2006-01-04T15:11:00.000-08:00

So I just got back from Hawaii, and while I was there, I noticed that there were Hawaiian themed Christmas decorations. I noticed them because they were freaking everywhere. Christmas in Hawaii is like a seventh grader at a school dance: awkward and trying too hard. There were Christmas trees all around, but get this, instead of being covered in standard ornaments, they were covered in Hawaiian ornaments! So it was like, instead of a candy cane a pineapple; and instead of a wreath, a lei; and instead of an angel on top, another pineapple (ok, it might have been a guava). And I just want to know one thing: Where is Hawaiian Hanukkah?!? (for some reason also called Chanukah, which I think is just Hanukkah for feisty Jews). I did not see one single palm-tree themed menorah, nor tropical umbrella Kippah, nor mai tai Mikvah, nor was my plate graced with a seared ahi latke. I’m not bitter, I’m just a little… ok, I guess I’m bitter.

Also, in the airport gate on the way back from Hawaii, my sister unknowingly sat next to Pierce Brosnan for about an hour. I knew this but I’m not really that big into being an annoying asshole, so I left him alone. The only thing I really wanted to do was go up to him and say “No matter what other people say, I just wanted to let you know that you’ve always been my favorite Baldwin Brother,” but I’m not entirely convinced that he would have appreciated that as much as I do.

In other news, Ariel Sharon just had a debilitating stroke. Now I’m personally all for the creation of a Palestinian state and more generally peace in the middle east, but I gotta say – first Yitzhak Rabin and now this happening so soon after the formation of the Kadima party – all I’m saying is that people who want to make a case that god is against the peace process are probably feeling pretty good about themselves today. Bastards.

Blogged like a Dog

2005-12-20T20:11:00.000-08:00

1: I hereby declare this page "Blogged."

2: No good can come of this!

1: Shush! I'm mid Blog.

3: Hey what's up?

2: Apparently we're "blogging" now...

3: "Blogging?" What the hell is that?

1: You know, you're really ruining the moment here...

2: I'm not sure exactly. I've been doing some research and what I've figured out so far is that it starts out with a commitment to resolute celibacy and self-absorption. Also, you have to be able to write about absolutely nothing.

3: Hurm... interesting. Go on...

2: Well, from what I gather it's some sort of new mating ritual. You know how guys used to have to learn how to play guitar to get laid?

3: Yeah. That sucked. My fingers are tired.

2: Totally, me too. But now instead of focusing all that angsty energy into an instrument, you can just whine about it online.

3: And that's... cool?

2: Apparently.

3: And the celibacy?

2: Oh that's just step one. Once you start posting a mix of pity and... what's that called, when you see a car crash and you can't look away?

3: Trance-like Horror?

2: Yeah, that. Anyway, apparently chick's dig it.

3: Shouldn't that be "chicks" not "chick's?"

2: Nooooo dude. In the new digital world, good grammer is bad and bad grammer is good, and using things like "2" to substitute for to or too or two (I guess).

3: Huh... sounds 2 idiotic 4 words. I'm in.

2: Yeah, me too, definitely, it's totally s2pid, and I'm all for it. I mean, no good can come of it, but still. If "chick's" dig it...

1:...I hate you guys.

------------------

Welcome to the New Voices Blog. I will be your intermittent e-emcee. Please take your shoes off at the front entrance, settle in and think digital thoughts of modern Jewish repose.

New Voices has a blog

2005-12-20T10:38:00.000-08:00