New Voices

Holey Sheet!

Today I want to talk about myths. And sex. Now there are plenty of nice happy historical myths about sex, like the one where Zeus turned his lady love into a cow to hide her from his wife, or the one where there’s this woman, and she’s just really hot and then a bunch of people fight over her for ten years, or that one where the woman blames her unwanted pregnancy on go--oh wait, that one’s just a story my mom tells every Thanksgiving, never mind. Anyway, I don’t really recall them all but you get the idea, good family stories. But I’m talking more about contemporary sexual myths. To give you an idea, let’s play a game called “which one is true?” I’ll list some common myths, half of which are true, half false, and you tell me if you know which is which:

1. Is it true that

Men think about sex every seven seconds.

Or that

The drug clomipramine has been known to cause orgasms in yawning patients.

2. Is it true that

A Woman sought medical help to remove a deer tongue she had used for masturbatory purposes.

Or that

One of the castle spires on the cover of Disney's The Little Mermaid home video was deliberately drawn as a phallus by a disgruntled artist. Not only that, but the minister officiating at Ursula's wedding ceremony in The Little Mermaid had an erection.

3. Is it true that

A man seeking sexual pleasure caught his penis in a swimming pool suction fitting.

Or that

A Man stapled his scrotum back together after slicing it open while masturbating with shop machinery.

Actually both of those are true. Sorry guys, it turns out we suck.

4. Lastly, is it true that

Over 50% of women over 30 masturbate.

Or that

Orthodox Jews have marital relations through a hole in a sheet.

To find out the answer, just click on the associated link

Grading:

If you got 0 right who gives a crap
If you got 1-2 right who gives a crap
If you got 3-4 right who gives a crap

…
I’m not really that much into quizzes.

Anyway, if you said that Orthodox Jews have marital relations through a hole in a sheet then you’re not alone. But you are an idiot. In fact, even Larry David bought into the myth in a now classic episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm (n.b., Classic here denotes that my friend Jeff said it was totally awesome). Anecdotally, some people think that the sheet myth came from people who saw talits hanging out to dry after being cleaned.

I also recently received an e-mail from a friend of mine enraged by a story that that Jesus would soon be depicted as homosexual in a new movie. Now, aside from the stern talking to I wanted to give my friend for his views on both sexuality and censorship, I replied to him and everyone he had sent the message to verbally spanking him for passing it along. (Check out more about this common myth here and here).

Point being: Please check this kind of shit out before blindly passing it along. www.snopes.com is to my knowledge the best place to go for rumor verification, and a few seconds could save you and your friends a lot of time, fear, and anger. More importantly, it saves me from having to think you’re an idiot.

Some other debunked sexual myths that you might fancy:

Pornography leads to violence against women.
It takes women longer to orgasm than men.
You can't get STDs or STIs from giving or receiving oral sex.
Men can’t be the victims of sexual abuse
Having good sex comes naturally.
If a girl has sex during her period, there is no chance of pregnancy.
The size of a man's nose, hands, or feet is a reliable indicator of the size of his penis.
Also fun: Who’s doing it and how often
And a FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions) about Jewish Society and Culture

Note: The writer of this blog is not a licensed sexologist, but he considers himself to be an unrecognized expert in the field. Mostly because he's an egotistical bastard. Also: his mother thinks he is special (not related in anyway, but he just thought you should know).

Man, and I didn't even get to make a "layman" pun. Bummer.

posted by Shlomocles @ 4:46 PM