New Voices

Silence of The Prez: The New Diplomacy

US and France Come to Agreement on Israel-Hezbollah Security Council Resolution:
Agree to Disagree

Presidents Club: Bush and Chirac teach the world a lesson about diplomacy

On Saturday, the U.S. announced that an agreement has been reached on a diplomatic plan for dealing with the Israel-Hezbollah war; to not talk about it in the future. The plan, which is being called a “verbal cease-fire,” covers not only discussion of the Israel-Arab issue, but goes so far as to put a moratorium on all international issues which are “sensitive” “touchy” or ‘could be described as a ‘sticky wicket.’” News analysts say that this new decision reflects a long history of ire between the U.S. and France when it comes to a range of issues, especially with regards to Israeli-Arab relations. This new strategy, advocates claim, will yield a much more congenial atmosphere between the two nations.

“Let’s face it,” said White House press secretary Tony Snow, “The U.S. and France don’t really see ‘eye to eye’ when it comes to the whole ‘Israel thing.’ For years now there have been disputes and fighting between our two countries, some of which have gotten so out of hand that a polite throat-clearing was required to change the subject. Vocal Pro-France-Anti-Israel French and liberal speakers have debated Anti-France-Pro-Israel American and Jewish speakers for years now, and this violent, ideological, verbal clash has to end. All we’re doing now is recognizing it publicly and moving on.” He added “we really think this will result in smoother dinner conversation.”

Critics of the agreement criticize the plan for “not being a solution,” and complain that it “actually ignores the problem entirely.” Senate minority leader Harry “Hairy” Reid said “This is yet another example of this Administration’s complete disregard for reality,” to which the esteemed Dr. Bill “HIV is spread by tears” Frist, responded “La la la, I can’t hear you,” and then called a vote on the floor to have the secret service lock Senator Reid in the capital broom closet with Hillary Clinton. The measure passed, with 5 democrats crossing party lines, most notably Joseph Lieberman, who was also quoted as saying “These [expletive deleted] democrats have got to be stopped.”

In France as well, critics are complaining that the French government is “just running away from the issue like a bunch of sissies.” To which supporters of the plan responded “No duh,” adding “We’re French.” Jacques Chirac’s office couldn’t be reached for comment.

A source inside the White House who declined to be identified said “Look, the American people know Bush isn’t all about ‘negotiation’ or ‘international crises,’ or ‘politics’ (air quotes his); that’s not why they hired him in the first place. They elected him because he’s likable. He’s the kind of president you could really sit down and have a frosty mug of beer with, or if you’re the President of France, a frosty mug of Chablis ’92.” He added “President Bush really feels like there’s been too much international strife during his presidency. He’s ready to move beyond that, loosen his tie and his belt, sit down and talk about something else. It’s called diplomacy, look it up; it’s what Presidents do.”

In a public press conference President Bush announced the plan saying “For a while now the people of France and the United States have been unable to talk about the people of Israel and Palestine without getting all huffy and worked up over it. This conflict has gone on too long. It’s time we put an end to all this fighting. put the past behind us, treat each other like human beings and just get along. The time has come to deal with this problem, by not talking about it ever again.” he said, adding, “heh heh.”

posted by Shlomocles @ 1:21 PM