New Voices

George Allen: The People's Jew

Today in the news, Strategists for Senator George Allen (R-VA) announced that the campaign would be taking a new turn in light of the recent revelation that Senator Allen’s mother was actually raised Jewish. Senator Allen has said in a recent press conference that his mother’s religious upbringing had been kept secret from him until recently. In an interview today, Henrietta “Etty” Lumbroso Allen offered to shed some light on the situation

New Voices: So Ms. Allen, how does it feel to be thrust into the national spotlight after so many years of keeping your history a secret?

Etty Allen: Well, you know, I’ve been schvitzing like crazy, this whole ordeal has me noshing constantly, you know how it is, I get shpilkes, I nosh, I get more shpilkes. It’s a vicious cycle really.

NV: Naturally. Now, you’ve kept your Jewish heritage hidden from your son for a great deal of his life. Do you feel this has been a barrier between you and him?

EA: Nu? It pained me to keep secrets from my son. But what can you do, it wasn’t always such a nice world for my people you know? I just wanted my son to have a better life than his family before him.

NV: How do you feel about this upcoming election. This was supposed to be an easy win for your son, but the Democratic challenger James Webb has been steadily gaining in the polls.

EA: Oy, that Webb is such a putz. He doesn’t have one ounce of the chutzpah as my George does. When I think of how my boy has been schlepping for the people of this fine commonwealth, ugh, it just makes me plotz.

NV: A lot of people are saying that the fact that Senator Allen never knew about his heritage signifies a lack of natural curiosity on his part, what do you think about that?

EA: Feh, those schmegeges in the media are a bunch of dreck-pushing no-goodnik kibitzers. If they can’t find some celebrity who’s shtupping the maid then they go after the good people of this country. Besides, I went to a lot of efforts to make sure that my children didn’t find out too much about my roots, I hid all of my Bubbe’s old shmattes and everything. Still, I’ll admit, I was a bit surprised that George didn’t guess after all these years. It’s just that he’s seen plenty pictures of his grandfather, and oh you should have seen the schnoz on that man. I mean, he was a real great man, a real mench, I’m so glad my boy turned out like him. Plus we always used to go to Golden Dragon inn for Mu Shoo every Christmas… I thought that might tip him off…

NV: Well thank you so much for taking the time to talk with us Ms. Allen, good luck to your son this November.

EA: Oh, no problem, you should stay and schmooze for a while, I’ve got a got some Rugalach left over from the church bake-sale.

Etty Allen discusses her son's upcomming election

Allen is still recovering from an incident a few weeks ago in which he called S.R. Sidarth, a campaign worker for James Webb, by the name “Macaca.” Although the word is used as a racial slur in francophone African nations including Tunisia, where Allen’s mother grew up, Senator Allen has repeatedly denied that he has ever heard the word before, and stated that he made it up on the spot. In other news, The Senators from Mississippi, Arkansas, and Alabama have recently remarked that they too had made up the words “Spic," "Wop," and Chinky-dinky Chinese chink" (respectively), and had no prior knowledge that they may be considered offensive by some.

For his part, Allen has tried to "turn this whole Jew thing into an election plus" according to campaign aide, "When life gives you lemons, make lemon babka. The image we want to capture is of a man who understands diversity, a man as comfortable humming Hava Negilah as he is whistling Dixie. When people go to the polls this november, we want them thinking George Allen: The People's Jew."

posted by Shlomocles @ 5:33 PM