New Voices

Power Chords to the People!! -- The New Israeli Image

All anyone can talk about after the Lebanon Debacle of ’06 is that Hezbollah won the Public Relations war. I think it says something that we’ve gotten to a point in time where the media image of what happened is, at least in a lot of people's minds, much more important than what actually happened. I won’t labor on about the perfect storm of postmodernism, cultural relativism and mass media technology. Instead I want to talk about what it is that Hezbollah and their supporters are doing that Israel could learn from. I think it's clear to everyone that just like New Coke or Pepsi Jazz, it's time for Israel to do some rebranding. So here it goes, one P.R. "Lay-Expert's" recommendations for a new Israeli public Image.

First off, They’re boring. Back in the fifties Israel used to be all kick-ass and cool. David Ben-Gurion, Moshe Dayan, Golda Meir, these are Sexy names (though to be fair, Meir changed her name from the decidedly less sexy “Mabovitz” and Ben-Gurion was originally named Grün, and Moshe Dayan was originally named Fred Smefleman) What have we got now, Barak, Netanyahu, Olmert? These names suck. I think the first thing they should do is get better names. I mean who would you rather follow? Someone whose name might as well be Natan-Yahoo Serious or someone named… “Reginald Blaine!” I mean, just say it “Reginald Blaine!” it’s got kick, power. As for his nickname “Bibi,” from now on he’s nicknamed “Flash.” I can just see it now “Once again Flash Blaine, saves Israel.” As for Olmert and Barak… they have the same first name. That’s gotta go. Everyone knows you can’t have just the first name of someone who used to work at your job, it’s just tacky and leads to all kinds of awkward slipups, especially around the Christmas season (card writing and nog don’t mix). You either have completely different names (e.g., Ronald Regan and Bill Clinton) or, you have exactly the same name (e.g., George Bush and The President formerly known as George Bush). So here’s the deal, one of them has to change their name. Barak’s already served his term, so I say Olmert does it, that way we can save money on reprinting history books. Either he goes by “Ehud Barak the Second” (he can keep Olmert as his middle name, we’ll say they’re distant cousins) or he changes his name to… oh, let’s say “Patrick Ohoulihan” (Irish names are in this season, I read it somewhere).

Ok, names are taken care of… Now… the look. Moshe Dayan had an eye-patch. AN EYE-PATCH!! Do you know who else wears eye-patches? Pirates! And pirates are badass, everyone knows that. So… ok, let’s slap an eye patch on someone… Ok, howabout Sharon, he’s not using his right now anyway. Hell, let’s put two on him, he’ll be twice as badass -- as a pirate! I know it’s a tough time for him and his family and I send them my best, but I think that if he were conscious he would want to serve his country in any way possible, even if it means being the badassest pirate Jew this side of Turkmenastan.

For Olm—Barak II, I'm thinking... A mustache. It worked for Tom Selleck in Magnum P.I. and it’s time it came back as a statement of Manhood. In fact, let’s just slap Tom Selleck’s mustache on him! I don’t think Selleck has had much use for it for the past fifteen years or so anyway, and it’ll go great with his suit. Either that or Nietszsche’s, he had a pretty manly mustache as well… On second though, I don’t want any German facial hair in my Israeli government, it would just be… feh. Maybe we’ll just give him all of Selleck’s hair. Yeah… We’re looking at a whole new PM now, baby.

Ok ok, this is good, we’ve got new names, new looks, now what we need is an act. Ok, well here’s where we really need to learn from Hezbollah. They’ve had a media circus fawning on them at all times with the double act that they’ve been putting on. I don’t know if you know this, but Hassan Nassralah is actually a classically trained magician.

He studied under the guy who studied under the guy who killed Houdini, which helped make him the most popular magician in the Arab world. In fact, if Nassrallah hadn’t stumbled into politics, he’d probably still be doing his old “flying carpet” trick on the corner of Mossadeq and Damascus. As it is he’s been bringing out some of his old material, but with a new twist.
And as for Iranian President Mahmoud AhmadinStephenColbertejad, he used to be a classically trained vocalist. It’s true, he actually came to the US and tried out for the original run of “Bye Bye Birdie” and when Gower Champion said that he’s never heard someone who “sounded so much like a metzo, but acted so much like a soprano,” Ahmadinstolenjokeejad went back to Iran in tears and swore vengeance on America. Still, he uses his old skills to bring new people to his cause every day.

Finally, what the Israelis really need is something catchy… something modern… I’VE GOT IT! They hold an emergency parliamentary session where by special election they vote the Hassidic Reggae artist Matisyahu in as temporary Prime Minister. Then they contract Anti-Folk/Indie Rocker and Jew extraordinaire Regina Spektor to write a new National Anthem, only this one will be about a Jewish kid who walks down the street precociously and learns some serious life lessons from observing the world around him. Or a biblical figure or not or… something… (Oh I love her music, I just don’t really… “get” her quite yet…).

Well there you have it. That’s the new policy. Once we do that, maybe slap some tap shoes on Reginald Blaine, have him lead the entire Knesset in a rousing chorus of War’s classic “Why Can’t We Be Friends,” and I think you’ll find that Israel’s image problems will be just about solved. Man, I don't know what I'm doing in this field, I should be in PR.

posted by Shlomocles @ 7:31 PM