New Voices

Once You Pop, You Can't Stop

A recent article the NY Times has revealed that a new rock has been found in central America bearing what is thought to be writing from the ancient Olmec civilization. The Olmec, who lived in south-central Mexico were at their peak between 1200 BC – 400 BC. This is the first writing sample discovered from the Olmec civilization, and therefore not even the leading Central American anthropologists have been able to decode it yet. Luckily, I consider myself to be something of a lay-expert on this very issue (my mother got her PHD in linguistics), and with the help of my trusty assistant (my mother), I’ve formulated a preliminary translation for the rock’s inscription.

Dear Rock-blog and rock-blog readers/listeners/viewers, I must live in the most boring cave in this entire network. Nothing ever happens, except for mom and dad fighting, which happens constantly. They were arguing again last night; I didn’t catch all of it because I was just coming home from “Throw-the-most-rounded-rock-into-the-rock-pile-ball” practice when I heard them. Mom was all like “Sacrifice a human. Sacrifice a human?! That’s just your solution to everything, Philip, isn’t it? Oh, bad day at the rock quarry… guess I’ll sacrifice a human! Oh, hey, no one’s invented football yet, better sacrifice a human! Oh hey, my cave is a frigging disaster compared to Bob and Laura’s cave next door and my marriage is literally on the rocks… Well let me tell you, honey, I don’t think a human sacrifice is gonna solve this one, unless the human you sacrifice is yourself!”

She’s always yelling at him about his human sacrifice habit… I don’t know, I mean, all the other guys in the caverhood also sacrifice humans, so you know, ok…But even I gotta admit, sometimes it seems like dad just can’t have any fun unless he sacrifices a human first…The other day he tried to get me to sacrifice a human with him and I was all like “Dad, you know I want to, but if the tribal elders catch us they’ll have me for underage sacrificing and you for aiding a minor sacrifice, and then mom’s gonna be really pissed off...” I just don’t know I’m starting to think that maybe he needs help… Ugh. Anyway, I've gotta go, I think someone's coming; until next time.

- Rockwriter15

I’m awaiting a phone call from the anthropological authorities on this matter.

posted by Shlomocles @ 7:28 AM